


End Credits

by modxminty



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Angst, F/M, Gay, M/M, Memory Loss, Nightmares, laven
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-13
Updated: 2017-08-25
Packaged: 2018-10-18 06:48:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10611477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/modxminty/pseuds/modxminty
Summary: And all we ever wantedWas sunlight and honestyHighlights to want to repeatLets get away from here andLive like the movies doI won't mind when its overAt least I didn't think for a while





	1. End Credits

**Author's Note:**

> Let's fucking go boys (and girls and non binary friends) 
> 
> I'm attempting to post here oh my god  
> Enjoy  
> I'm sorry it's trash  
> Aaa

It's an interesting feeling. Being so lost in a dream that nothing else exists. Like Alice falling down the rabbit hole, a never ending spiral of nothing. Never knowing which direction is up or down. Just falling. Like you fell off of something, but with no idea where you're falling to. The sensation of almost flying. Surrounded by air and seeing everything. But falling is only fun until you hit the ground. In that moment of the end, you can feel the turn of the world, see everything that was and for a moment, you're the most important person in the whole of the universe. But that feeling ends, and you're met with black. You can see nothing, feel nothing, hear nothing, taste nothing, smell nothing, then it ends, and everything is gone.

  
That's what this feeling was like. He was so lost in a dream that it became real. The people, the feelings, the fear and happiness. But all dreams end, and so did this one. It shattered, like one million tiny pieces of glass. Almost as painful and the person you love most walking away. You call after them, begging them to stay with you, but they walk away. It's like the world is breaking down and never existed. Like a slow death, it's torture.

  
Grey eyes opened slowly, met with a blinding light and white. White everything. He blinked slowly, trying to get his vision back to normal. His ears heard a distant ringing, and he strained to hear what it really was. It was a voice. A voice so familiar that it was painful. Like a part of a far away dream that couldn't be grasped. But the voice was still there.

  
"Allen? Allen?!" The voice called out.

  
Grey eyes continued to blink as he breathed slowly and shakily. His breathing steadied and his eyes grew accustomed to the light. Throbbing pain started in his head like someone was scratching along the inside of his skull. Ignoring the pain, the boy turned his head to see who was calling out their name.

  
Grey eyes met blue ones filled with worry and excitement. He gazed halfheartedly at the person sitting beside him, trying to remember who they were. The voice belonged to a girl who looked about thirteen. She had short purple hair, a thin figure and looked to be rather short.

"W-Who...?" He coughed out, trying to blink away black dots that clouded his vision.

  
"Allen? It's me, Road? Your sister?" The girl, who was named Road, said. Her voice was high but not squeaky. Almost like a child's voice, but older.

  
Allen managed to blink away the black dots and sit up slightly. He felt a blanket slip off him slightly with the movements. "I'm sorry Road, I wasn't paying attention. I had the strangest dream."

  
Road smiled brightly. "You can tell me about it on the way! We're going to the church today, remember?"

  
Allen nodded. "Yes, I remember."

  
"Good, now get up!" Road smiled and climbed down a ladder.

“Bunk beds,” Allen thought. “We have bunk beds.”

Everything seemed so new to him, it was as if he was a newborn baby seeing the world for the first time. He didn't know any faces, any names. But with a bit of reminding he understood. So, instead of being a baby, he would be a young child. He knew things, he just forgot. That was fine, he hoped.

  
Allen shifted into a full sitting position and hit his head on the roof. He winced, grabbing his head with his left hand. He caught a glimpse of red as he lifted it. That couldn't be a normal skin colour, could it?

Road turned around and looked at him. "You okay?" She asked with a bit of a giggle. Was this all funny to her?

  
"Just fine," Allen sighed and rubbed his forehead, yawning. "I guess I'm just half asleep still."

  
Road giggled more. "Alright, well hurry and get dressed so we can go! I'm so excited!" She skipped out of the room, leaving an awestruck Allen behind.

  
He sighed and climbed down the ladder to the floor. He yawned again and shuffled over to the dresser.

"Allen! Hurry up now, we're going to be late!" He heard a male voice call from somewhere in the house. He didn't recognize it. He made a mental note of that.

  
"Coming!" Allen called as he slipped on his shoes. He flicked the light off and jogged out of the room, pausing at the railing above the stairs. Something was off. This didn't seem like the home of a family, it was much too big. It was a home, he was correct about that, but not the type you'd find two parents and some children in. The sign outside the window caught his attention. Orphanage.

"Allen! Hurry it up!" A rough voice called, bringing him out of his thoughts.

  
"I'm coming!" Allen called back and ran down the stairs.

He turned towards the kitchen where his family was gathered. No, this wasn't a family. Or maybe it was. He couldn't quite tell. There were fourteen others gathered around, all of different ages. Some looked like adults, others like children. This really was an orphanage. The most noticeable person in the room was a tall, fat man with a large grin and a top hat. He sat on a stool reading the morning paper and twirling an umbrella around. He, Allen presumed, was the one who owned the home.

"Alright, now that we're all here let's get going," The man announced, sending a light smile in Allen's direction and stood up. He put down his cup and newspaper. The mere action seemed to send shivers down his spine.

Allen watched the people file out of the room. He watched them walk through the hallways and out of the front door, down the front steps. But he couldn't bring himself to move. He felt as if something was wrong. Out of place, like it didn't belong. Almost as if a darkness was coating everything, a never ending shadow. It welcomes itself like an uninvited guest that you can't force to leave. Hands reach out from that darkness and try to drag you in. Fighting and clawing you try to escape, like an insect caught in the spider's web, so lost and knowing of the inescapable doom that comes upon you. He shrugged off this feeling and raced out the front door after everyone else, shouting about how he wanted to stop somewhere for coffee.

Allen observed everything around him closely as they walked to the church. It was like he was seeing it all for the first time, although he knew he wasn't. It all interested him so much. He didn't know how he felt about it before, but now he loved it. It was all so beautiful. The streets were made of stone, all of the surrounding buildings reminding him of an old town you would see in movies. The scenery was simply stunning. From what Allen could tell they were in the mountains, tall trees and hills on all sides, lakes down below them. They passed old fashioned ice cream parlours, drive in movies, old fashioned theatres, small corner shops, cafes. It was amazing.

"Allen!” Road called, sprinting to catch up to him.

“Yeah?” Allen smiled, turning back to his sister.

She caught up, grabbing his hand and forcing him to walk at a reasonable pace. “What do you think the church is going to be like?”

“Do you not know?”

Road shook her head. “I've never been.”

Allen flashed her a toothy grin, swinging their hands a little bit. “Oh boy, you're in for an adventure.”

Road giggled, tapping a rhythm on Allen’s hand. “Can you tell me what it's like?”

Allen shook his head, making a zipping motion over his lips. “Spoilers.”

Road pretended to pout, still tapping out the rhythm on his hand. Allen felt a little bad. He would have told her but the truth is he really didn't know. He didn't remember anything about anything, he had so many questions. Nothing made sense to him anymore. He was scared, but he vowed not to show it.

"We're here!" Road laughed, a large smile spreading across her face. She let go of Allen's hand and ran towards the church. Allen stopped dead in his tracks. This wasn't at all what he had been expecting. The church was in shambles. The roof had been blown half off, the walls crumbling with piles of debris lying around it. Half of the upper floor was gone. It was a mess. And frankly, Allen loved it. It was amazing. He just wished he could know what had happened.

“Aye, you okay boy?” One of the others from the orphanage asked, putting his hand on his shoulder.

Allen turned back to him. He had curly black hair and brown eyes. He seemed to have a distinct freckle under his left eye. He couldn't have been much older than Allen, he looked about seventeen. He didn't know why, but Allen could feel that he had a deep connection with him. He just didn't know the kind.

He smiled, nodding. “Yeah. Sorry, I'm just tired today.”

The boy smiled at him. “Come on,” he grabbed Allen's hand and pulled him towards the building.

Allen yawned. He assumed he had been to the church many times as a child but stopped coming. “How old was I when we were last here?” He asked the boy.

“I think you were about ten. We haven't come in a while,” He responded.

Allen stretched as he walked into the building. With the many times they had been here the man working behind the desk remembered their faces and smiled brightly at them when they entered.

"Allen, Tyki! Welcome back, it sure has been a while! You've grown quite a fair amount, haven't you, Allen?" He mused.

  
The boy's name was Tyki. Allen made a mental note of that.

“Yes sir,” Allen smiled back at him. Frankly, this man was a bit scary.

“Come on, let's look around,” Tyki grabbed Allen's hand again and pulled him through the hallway into the broken part of the church.

Despite its outward appearance, the inside of the church was in pristine condition. It looked like a fully furnished house. They walked past a mirror and Allen's attention was quickly caught by his reflection. This couldn't be normal. His hair was white, there was no way that was natural. And his face. The left side of his face was scarred from his forehead to his chin. And even then, it wasn't a normal scar. He couldn't catch all of the details before Tyki pulled him away.

“I'm gonna go find Road. You wanna come or do you wanna wait here?” Tyki asked, stopping and turning back to Allen.

“Oh, um, I'll wait here if you don't mind. I'd like to look around a little more,” Allen tried to sound convincing. It must have worked because Tyki smiled and ruffled his hair.

“Don't wander too far. He’ll have my head if I lose you,” he laughed. Allen laughed too, although he didn't understand the joke.

“I won't. Don't worry about me Tyki.”

Tyki let go of Allen's hand and walked off in another direction, attempting to find the overexcited teenager running around the place.

Allen walked around a bit, looking at the artwork on the walls and comparing the inside to the outside. He had so many questions about so many things. He didn't understand. Why couldn't he remember anything? What happened to him?

“Out of the way short stack.”

Allen hardly had time to process the words before he felt a hand hit his ribs. He felt himself crash into the wall as he slipped and fell, smashing his head on a garbage can. He looked up and there, walking past, was a man with long blue hair and his arm tightly wrapped around the waist of a teal haired girl in a mini skirt. She looked apologetic as she turned back and looked at him but didn't say anything as they rounded a corner. Allen sighed, using the wall to hoist himself up and dusting off his pants. He was getting looks from people, he could tell, and all he wanted to do in that moment was run.

“Hey, Allen, are you okay?” It was one of the other boys from the orphanage.

“Yeah, I'm good.”

“Man, that guy was a dick.”

“Agreed.”

“Watch yourself, okay? You know you'll be in shit with him if you get hurt.”

“Yeah, sorry, I'll try to stay out of trouble.”

The boy smiled at Allen as he walked away, completely unaware of the confusion that entire conversation had caused. He needed to get out, screw waiting for Tyki. He needed air. His lungs felt like they were going to collapse, his head was pounding and he felt like he was going to puke. So he did the only natural thing he could bring himself to do in this situation. He ran. He didn't know where to or what from but he ran as far and as fast as his legs could carry him. The distance, to be fair, wasn't very far. He collapsed in a field about thirty feet away from the church.

He couldn't breathe. His breaths were coming in short, desperate pants and he clutched at his head, pulling on his hair as he tried desperately to calm himself. His head was pounding, it felt like someone was driving a drill through it and a million thoughts were escaping through the holes. He couldn't think. Everything was going black and then back to colour, the images all looked double. His heart was racing at what felt like a million miles an hour and he couldn't hear anything but his own heartbeat. Tears poured from his eyes, making his already fucked up vision blurry. His entire body was shaking and his throats was closing up. He felt like he was dying.

“Hey, hey, it's okay. Hey, it's okay just calm down.”

Allen didn't know the voice. He felt someone crouch down next to him. Without hesitation he threw himself at the stranger, clutching to them like they were his last hope. In this situation it sure felt like that's what they were. Surprisingly, they didn't push him away. Instead they put their arms around him, tracing circles on his back with their thumb comfortingly while their other hand stroked his hair.

“It's okay, just breathe, yeah? Okay, just breathe with me. In and out, deep breaths. That's it.”

Allen tried to do as the stranger instructed, balling up their shirt in his hands.

“Shhh, it's okay, you're gonna be okay, just calm down. Just breathe.”

Allen could feel himself shake less and less as his breathing started to even out. He loosened his grip on the stranger, lifting his head from where it was buried in their chest and meeting their gaze. He didn't know what to expect, so he looked at the stranger in little sections at a time. Nice smile. Good start. Lots of freckles. They must go outside a lot. Green eyes. Boy, they were nice eyes. Eyebrows. Clearly they cared about their appearance as their eyebrows were amazing. Red hair. Dear lord their hair was inhumanly red. Allen concluded from his scan that this stranger was an attractive boy who looked to be about eighteen. But even so Allen felt scared. Why? Well, what scared him is that he felt he knew him from somewhere. But where?

“Feeling better?” He asked, smiling down at Allen and he swore his heart missed a beat.

“Um, yeah, I am, yeah, I'm, I'm okay, thanks,” Allen looked down shyly. The simple act showed him the position he was in and he'd be lying if he said his face didn't go as red as the stranger's hair. He was sitting between his legs, which might he point out were obnoxiously long, with his own practically wrapped around him. His arms were still wrapped around him holding onto his shirt, while the stranger still had his arms around Allen and was running his fingers through his hair.

“Thank you, for helping me I mean.”

“Oh course. The names Lavi, by the way.”

Allen smiled up at him. “Allen.”

“Well Allen, it's a pleasure to meet you, despite the circumstances,” Lavi smiled wholeheartedly and took out a pen, quickly writing something across the back of Allen's hand. Upon closer inspection Allen realized it was a phone number. His face went red again.

“You're not here alone, are you?” Lavi’s voice was suddenly serious but it faded as he flashed the much smaller boy a smile.

Allen shook his head. “No. I'm here with my, family,” he hesitated on using the word, not quite sure what to call the group of people.

“Ah, I see,” Lavi smiled, leaning back on his hands. He seemed not to be phased by the fact that Allen was still awkwardly straddling him. “How many people are you with?”

“Fourteen.”

Lavi just blinked, awestruck. “Well shit.”

And that's when Tyki decided to show up. He didn't know if there was something serious going on between them that Allen had missed or if Tyki just had a deeply rooted hatred for boys with red hair but the look he gave Lavi as he dragged Allen away said something. Allen just didn't know what. Road bounced along beside them, giggling and sucking on a lollipop as Tyki pulled Allen back toward the church.

“Call me!” Lavi shouted, still sitting on the ground as he laughed and waved.

“Do not call him,” Tyki spat.

Allen was going to call him, he had no doubts about that.

Once back at the orphanage he lied there, staring at the ceiling as he fiddled with his phone. He didn't know why but he wanted to know more about Lavi. He set Allen's mind at ease. He was calm, collected, his very presence made him feel better. He wanted to be with him again, to talk to him more, to get to know him. He wanted to be his friend, he wanted him to be anything but the red headed stranger he currently was. It was like he knew him. The new feeling filled Allen with so much hope and adrenaline that he felt as though he might explode. He was intrigued, he wanted to know more. But the one thing he knew more than anything was that he was falling, and he was falling hard. He just didn't know what he was falling into.

The poor little boy so lost in time lost track of everything else, including his mind.


	2. Alright

So strange it is, the art of forgetting. Not a soul knows how we do it but we all know the pain it brings. To forget something you once knew well. You can destroy yourself trying to get that memory back. It's an inner conflict. A war with no winner. Slowly your sanity starts to tick away and before you know it, that inner war has destroyed you. All because you want your memory back. But the swirling abyss of time doesn't let things once forgotten be reclaimed. So we continue to fight ourselves, to find the truth, until the day we die.

Allen stared at his ceiling for hours. The hours melted into days into weeks into months. He stared at his ceiling a lot, just contemplating. Sometimes he liked to image what the ceiling would look like if it wasn't so white. What it would look like if he picked up a paintbrush and went to work on it. The thought made him smile. He didn't know how he felt. He wasn't happy, he wasn't sad. He was content. That seemed like the right word to use. He was content. He was remembering things, learning things. He liked that. He liked knowing things. 

Week one he had learned the name of every person in the orphanage. There were too many of them, he found it tiresome to remember them all. He learned he was the favourite child of the house owner. He had learned his name was Adam. Allen didn't like that name, it didn't suit him. It was a common name and the house owner, Allen would assure you, was not a common man. The others would sometimes joke and call him Lord Millennium. Allen couldn't shake the feeling that the joke held some sort of eerie truth. He laughed along every time it was said though. 

Week two he learned more about Lavi. He was in an indie band and dressed like he belonged on the cover of some hipster fashion magazine. He spent a lot of time at the church. He claimed it was because he wanted to know more about it but Allen felt there was more to it than he was saying. Allen liked Lavi. He wanted to be close to him. He was a good person, he made Allen feel safe. Something about him made him feel like he was home. Lavi reminded him of home. He didn't quite understand why. 

Week three Allen started to realize more things about himself. Whoever he used to be had a lot of dress clothes, the most casual things he owned still being nice. He had a lot of crop tops, tight jeans, shorts bordering on inappropriate. He didn't know why, he must have enjoyed wearing them. He felt good in them. Although the perverted comments strange men would shout at him put him off slightly he always enjoyed watching their reactions when they realized he was a boy. Although with some, that made the comments worse. He didn't like those people very much. They scared him. Lavi always made sure to tell him that he was he was beautiful when he got those comments. Allen liked the things Lavi said. It made him happy. 

Week four he learned how to hate himself. He started to pick up on things he didn't like. He didn't like his scar, it took up too much or his face and drew too much attention to him. He didn't like his burnt up arm. He didn't even know how it happened but it wasn't natural. He didn't like his thighs. They were too large. He didn't like his stomach or his eyes or his hair or his smile or his face or his arms. Sometimes all of these things dropped on him at once, sometimes only one at a time. Lavi was always there for him when he felt like shit. So was Tyki, he had threatened to destroy anyone who ever made a negative comment about him. The others in the orphanage had vowed to be there for Allen too. Allen appreciated that. He appreciated them. 

It was now week five and Allen had been told by road that in four days he would turn sixteen. It was hard to imagine that he was that young. Why didn't he go to school? Why didn't anyone go to school? It confused him. He told Lavi about his birthday. He swore he'd make sure it was the best birthday Allen ever had. That made Allen happy. He loved the way Lavi made him feel. He made him feel special, like he was the most important person in the world. He liked that feeling, it was one he could get used to. He wanted to get used to it. 

Sometimes, he felt like he was crashing and burning, a falling asteroid about to smash into the earth with enough force to kill him. It was as if time stopped and the weight of the world was falling on him, suffocating him, crushing his ribs into his lungs and leaving him there to bleed out. Some days it would all get too overwhelming. All of the confusion, all of the not knowing. He had so many questions that he wanted to ask but he knew he couldn't because he didn't want everyone to hate him. And that's exactly what they'd do if they knew. If they knew how little he remembered, if they knew that one day he just up and forgot everything, they'd hate him. That's exactly what they'd do. So he didn't say anything. But some days it just got to be far too much. Some days all he wanted to do was die. Today was one of those days. 

It was three in the morning and he was barreling out the front door of the orphanage with tears pouring down his face past a terrified Tyki trying his absolute hardest to get him to stay. He knew where he was running to. It's where he always ran to. Lavi. He's grown to depend on the boy during the month and a half they'd known each other. He was like his lifeline. It was crazy, he hardly knew him, but he felt like he did. He didn't know why. 

“Allen?” Lavi opened the door, surprised to see that it was Allen pounding on his door at three in the morning. “Hey, Allen what's wrong?” 

He didn't respond, he just collapsed. His legs gave way and he gripped onto Lavi for support. He didn't complain, he didn't shove him away. It was all Allen expected him to do and he didn't. He didn't know how to feel about that. He didn't know how to feel about anything. He didn't know how to feel as he felt Lavi slip his hands down to his thighs and pick him up. He didn't know how to feel as he wrapped his legs around his waist, clutching to him like he was his last hope. He didn't know how to feel as Lavi carried him to his living room and sat on the floor with Allen still in his arms. He didn't know how to feel as he sobbed into his shoulder. He didn't know how to feel as Lavi ran his hands up and down his back. He didn't know how to feel as he confessed. 

He confessed everything, every last detail of not being able to remember. Every last detail of what he'd learned. Every last detail of learning to hate himself. He confessed his feelings. His feeling about Lavi and his siblings and the boys at the orphanage and the house owner and how he felt like he knew them all somehow. He confessed to not knowing. He was rambling and he knew it. He wanted it all to go away. He wanted to remember, to know. He wanted to have some valid reason to smile. But that's all he wanted to do was ramble. He expected Lavi to push him away, to call him horrible, tell him he was a mistake, tell him he was a fuck up. He had a distant memory of that. Of someone calling him a mistake, a fuck up. He didn't know why. 

“Allen, it's okay. I'm not going to leave you, I promise. You can tell me things. Allen, you can tell me anything you want,” Lavi soothed him, running his fingers through his hair and his hand up and down his back. 

Allen burrowed his face into Lavi's neck. He was shaking. He wasn't breathing. He couldn't think. Even so he did exactly as he'd wanted to for weeks. He told Lavi how he was feeling. 

“I'm confused as shit Lavi. I don't know what's going on. Like, the orphanage. Why can't I remember anyone there? Why am I in an orphanage? Why won't anybody tell me anything? The ceilings are white. Did you know that? They're very white. In fact, everything in that fucking house is white. Why is it all so white? I don't understand. I don't understand anything. I hate not understanding. It makes me feel stupid. Am I stupid Lavi? Why don't I understand anything? I hate not understanding. I hate feeling stupid. I hate my mind and the orphanage and all of the white. Why is it all so white? Why can't it be any other colour? Would another colour make me understand? I hate not understanding. I want to understand. I'm sorry, I'm not explaining it right. Why can't I explain it right? I want to explain it, I do I really do but the words won't come out. I hate not understanding. Make me understand. Please I want to understand. I hate this I hate my mind I hate myself I hate that stupid white orphanage I hate not understanding. I feel like I'm dying. Am I dying? Is that's what's going on? What's wrong with me? Why can't this all stop? I just want this all to stop. Please, just make it stop. Make it stop. Please.” 

At this point he was sobbing so intensely words could no longer be formed. 

“Allen, baby I'm so sorry you're feeling this way,” Lavi knew here was nothing he could say to help Allen through this. He didn't understand how he was feeling, he'd never experienced anything like it. So he did what he did best. He comforted him. 

After a while Allen spoke up. He was speaking in a hushed voice and Lavi could hardly hear him but the sentence sent shivers down his spine. 

“I'm gonna die.” 

Lavi pulled the boy closer, holding him as tightly as he could. “You're not going to die Allen.”

“Everything dies Lavi,” Allen's voice was flat, emotionless despite the tears still pouring from his eyes. 

“Not this early on. Not you. I refuse.” 

Allen took a deep breath. It was shaky and he instantly started breathing heavy again, but he was trying. Lavi stroked his hair and killed his forehead. Then he kissed his cheek, then the other. He made sure to kiss right on the scar Allen hated so much. He kissed his nose and Allen laughed a little, tucking his face into Lavi's chest. He was smiling. It was a good start. 

They sat there in silence for a while. Allen wasn't crying anymore and his breathing had evened out but he wasn't talking either. That was okay. Lavi wasn't going to force him to talk if he wasn't ready to talk. He just sat there and held him. He rocked him back and forth a little bit, running his hand up and down his back. He played with the hair on the back of his neck and traced patterns into his hip. He wasn't going to abandon Allen like he thought he would. He would never. The small boy meant far too much to him. Although, like Allen, he didn't know why. 

“Allen, I want to tell you something.” 

Allen looked up at Lavi with tired eyes. Lavi smiled and kissed his forehead before continuing. “When I first saw you, at the church, I thought you were the most beautiful boy I'd ever seen and I just knew I had to talk to you. And then, well, Yuu came by and knocked into you and you ran. So I ran after you. God, Allen, you're the best thing that's happened to me because of that dick. And when I saw you so upset my heart broke.” 

Allen's eyes softened and he smiled, leaning forward and giving Lavi a quick kiss on the cheek. Lavi pulled him closer and kissed his hair, letting the boy settle back into his arms. And then he got an idea. He shifted slightly, moving Allen off of his lap. He moved away and Allen looked at him. He heartbreak on his face made Lavi instantly regret the decision but he didn't falter. 

“I'll be right back Allen, I promise,” he stood up and ran from the room to his bedroom. Allen could hear him open a drawer and take something out. He heard him stop at his bed and pick something up. But he was right, he came right back. He had a blanket and two pillows with him. Allen smiled. 

Lavi set the pillows down on the couch and tossed the blanket over the back before turning back to Allen. He had something in his hand, Allen could tell, but he didn't question it. He came back and pulled Allen to his feet. He could tell he wasn't up for walking across the room so he picked him up again, smiling as Allen instantly wrapped his legs around his waist. He walked them to the couch and set Allen down. He took the blanket off the back of the couch and put it over Allen. He curled into it and Lavi smiled. Allen watched his every move. 

“So, Allen, I've got something for you,” Lavi smiled at him and Allen perked up, interested in what he had. 

Lavi seemed encouraged and continued. “I know it's not your birthday quite yet but after all that just happened right now seemed like a perfect time to give it to you.” 

He pulled his arm out from behind him and opened his hand towards Allen. His breath caught in his throats and he stared at Lavi wide eyed. It was a lockett . It was good with swirling patterns and a thin chain looped through it. Allen stared at him in awe. It was beautiful. Although he felt guilty. Lavi shouldn't have got that for him. It was probably expensive, he didn't want Lavi to waste money on him. His smile faltered a little and Lavi reached out, stroking his hair. 

“Happy birthday baby boy.” 

Lavi hardly had time to process what he'd said before Allen was attached to him, arms wrapped tightly around him. Lavi's arms found their place around Allen's hips easily and he pulled him into the tightest hug he could. “Lavi, I don't want you to spend money on me. That lockett was probably expensive.” 

He felt Lavi shake his head. “I didn't pay a single cent for it, I promise. It was my mom's.” 

Allen pulled away and looked down at Lavi. “Why would you give it to me? It was your mom's, she wanted you to have it.” 

Lavi shook his head again and smiled. “She told me to give it to someone important to me. You, Allen, are more important to me than anyone else.” 

Allen felt himself start to tear up again so he pulled Lavi back into a hug. Lavi was still sitting on the floor and it was a bit of an awkward position but he still hugged him back. He leaned his head on Allen's stomach and the boy laughed a little. 

“Here, let me put it on for you,” Lavi insisted, standing up and sitting behind Allen. He placed the chain around his neck and did up the clasp, kissing the back of his neck lightly when he was done. Allen shivered and Lavi smiled, pulling him back so he was sitting in his lap. 

They sat there quietly for a while. Lavi traced shapes on Allen's chest and Allen played with his hands. Allen yawned and Lavi could tell he was on the verge of falling asleep so he pulled away, smiling at the expression on Allen's face. He reached down and fiddled slightly with Allen's belt. Allen turned red and grabbed Lavi's hand, stopping him. “What are you doing?” 

Lavi smiled, leaning forward and kissing his nose. “I'm assuming you don't want to sleep in jeans?” 

Allen blushed again and shook his head. “I'll give you one of my shirts, it'll be big on you.” 

Lavi walked out of the room and came back with a shirt for Allen. He could tell Allen was too tired to do much on his own so he helped. He carefully helped Allen slip off his jeans and his shirt before he pulled his own much larger shirt over him. Allen curled his knees to his chest, face bright red. He wasn't very tired but Lavi decided he should go to bed as well. He pulled off his shirt and sat down on the floor next to the couch, easing Allen back down in the process. 

Allen grabbed Lavi's shoulders and pulled him down. He had to put his arms out quickly to stop himself from falling on the smaller boy. He stared down at him, confusion coating his eyes. “Allen, it's okay I can sleep on the floor.” 

Allen shook his head, weakly attempting to pull Lavi down again. “Stay with me.” 

“Allen, I'll be right there I promise,” Allen wasn't having it. 

He looped his leg around Lavi’s hip and pushed him over, wrapping his arms around him and burrowing his face into his neck. Lavi hesitated for a second before wrapping his free arm around Allen and putting the other under his head. He rested his chin on Allen's head, planting a soft kiss to his hair as he heard the boy's breathing steady. 

“Stay.” 

“I will, don't worry. I'm not going to leave you.” 

“Do you promise?” 

“I promise.”


	3. Youth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jay? Actually updating? I didn't know it was possible.

Allen sat waiting. He tapped a steady beat on his leg as he looked around, waiting for the boy he so desperately wanted to see. He was spending the afternoon with Tyki. It was his birthday and Tyki had vowed to take him wherever he wanted to go and buy him whatever he wanted that day. Allen knew he wasn't going to make Tyki buy him anything. He just wanted to spend time with him. He was his brother, he loved him. He loved spending time with him, he was practically Allen's best friend. 

Tyki was probably the best brother Allen could have asked for. He was highly protective but that was okay, Allen still loved him. When he'd first brought Lavi home Tyki had been livid. He claimed he didn't want Allen to spend time with him. He was rebellious, a bad influence. Allen assumed it was just because he was a couple years older than him. That or there could be something Allen didn't know. He still didn't know a lot of things but that was okay. He was getting better at not knowing. He had Lavi to talk to and he was starting to talk to Tyki about more things. That made him happy. He loved feeling like there were people who cared. It made it all a little bit easier. 

When Allen had run off to Lavi's a few days prior and told him everything it felt absolutely amazing. It was like a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He wasn't alone in this anymore. He had someone else that knew and understood what he was going through. Sure, maybe he didn't necessarily understand what he was going through as he had never experienced it but he was helping him learn things, he was making life easier for him. Allen loved that. Allen loved Lavi and he loved having him. He didn't know how he deserved such an amazing person but he had him and he loved him and he never wanted to let him go. 

When Allen woke up that morning Lavi was gone. He was panicked, he thought he had left him. He felt like he was going to cry for a few minutes but then Lavi walked into the room towel drying his hair and smiled at him. Allen asked him about why he left and Lavi went red. He claimed he would have stayed with him longer but he had to get up and leave before it was a threat to Allen’s innocence. He didn't quite understand what that meant but he assumed it had something to do with his flushed face and fidgety hands. He had forced Lavi to cuddle with him again after that, although the red haired boy had nothing against it. He ended up taking him home around midday and was instantly bombarded with questions from every one of the boys in the orphanage. The girls tended to stay out of things. 

“Allen, come here!” 

His head shot up and he looked around. He didn't quite know who the voice belonged to but caught a flash of bright red hair going around the corner. The dots all connected in his brain. Lavi. Obviously he got up and followed, ducking around the corner. It wasn't where he should go, it was an alleyway. Nothing good could come from this but then he saw the bright red hair again and followed against his better judgement. This wasn't going to end well for him. His brain was screaming at him, telling him to turn around and go back, to wait for a Tyki. But he didn't listen. He wanted to know. So he followed. And he kept following and following, rounding what felt like hundreds of corners. But it was always there, the bright red hair, and he wanted to know. 

And then it stopped. That bright red hair stopped moving. At least for a moment anyway. And then it turned, bounding up some steps and into a building. Allen just barely caught the action as he raced after them, attempting to catch a glimpse of any defining feature as they walked inside. But he couldn't, and soon he was stopped outside an old building. He was in a back alley of a street he didn't know. The buildings were clearly all out of use. The roofs were caved in and the walls crumbling around him, piles of debris and garbage along the streets. But this building, this one specific building. It caught his attention as he stared up at the broken windows and tattered curtains. The half gone balcony and the giant holes in the walls seemed to be calling him. His legs were practically moving on their own as he took one step. Then another. Then another and another and another and another and another and suddenly he was face to face with the busted down door. And he took another step. 

The inside of the building gave off an eerie vibe. He didn't like the way it made him feel. It was too off. The house was almost entirely black, old furniture torn up in what looked to be an old living room and an ash coated fireplace. He walked into the house more, his slow footfalls echoing in the quiet room. He found what looked to be an old dining room. There was a large table that looked like it could seat many people and some chairs, some standing some knocked all over, all at least a little bit broken. All of the windows on the first floor were smashed. There were a couple old bedrooms, an old study, and a bathroom he didn't really want to go in. What caught his attention though was a picture in a frame he didn't see the first time he walked through the living room. It was a family portrait. There were three people in it. In the back stood a man with a large grin and a tall hat. Allen could just barely make out what looked like clown makeup on his face. He stood with his hands on the shoulders of two younger people. One had dark hair and a cocky smile. The other had lighter hair but Allen couldn't make out any facial features. It looked like they had been scratched out. 

Allen caught sight of some stairs and quickly pocketed the picture, taking slow steps towards the stairs. He took the first step and it let out a harsh squeak under his weight. He lifted his other foot and the step let out another groan of protest. He moved up the stairs slowly, careful not to put too much pressure on each step as they let out sounds he wished they wouldn't make. He reached the top and let out a sigh of relief. Still, he had to watch himself. This house seemed old and one wrong step could send him through the floor and to his death. He looked around. The top floor had three doors and no windows. He checked the first door. A bathroom. Then he checked the second door. Empty besides a couch in the corner. And then he checked the last room. It sat in the middle of the wall at the very end of a long hallway. All common sense was screaming at Allen not to go in that room. Frankly, Allen should have left. He should have run as far away as he could get. He was particularly good at running. But this time, this one rare time, he didn't. 

The door opened with ease and Allen starred in with confusion burning at his mind. The room was long and wide with ten beds on either side of the room all lined up in a row. Most of them had tattered sheets and flat pillows. He walked farther into the room, noticing that the walls had tally marks scratched into them. Every wall had them. They covered nearly every inch of at least three walls. What they were counting Allen didn't know. He just knew that it gave off a vibe he didn't like and made his stomach feel queasy. All of the beds were white, the walls were black. That made it hard to notice the tally marks. The blankets were all thread bare and looked as if they'd all been thrown off the beds in a hurry. Some had clothes under them or shoes tucked in beside the wall. But one, one in particular caught his attention. It was a nicely made bed in the very corner of the room with a teddy bear tucked in under the sheets. 

Allen picked up the bear carefully, turning it over in his hand. The limbs were all barely hanging on and one of the eyes was hanging off its face by a loose thread. One of its ears was missing and the other half gone, stuffing falling out of both places. There were a couple holes in its back and many places where it looked as if holes had been sown up with thread. Dried blood covers ultimately most of the left side of the bear and soot and ash coated its face. Allen brushed some off with his sleeve, slowly revealing the ominous looking smile stitched into it. Inside the bear, shoved into the back of its head Allen could see what looked like a piece of paper hidden among the little remaining stuffing. He carefully pulled it out and set the bear down on the bed again, unfolding the paper. It was revealed to be another old picture of a group of maybe twenty children. Except one face in the back row caught his attention and he stared at the photo, his eyes lingering on the face that looked just a little bit too much like his own.

He felt his knees hit the floor and the picture flutter from his hands, a memory hitting him like a titlewave. He was remembering and it hurt. He was screaming, pulling at his hair, clawing at his face. He didn't want this, he didn't want to remember. There had to have been a reason he blocked all of this out, there had to be. So why now. Why when he was alone somewhere he didn't know, why when he had nowhere and no one to run to. He didn't have live or Tyki or Road. He didn't want to remember anymore. He preferred not knowing to this. This was hell, it was a nightmare. But despite how hard he tried it all came flooding back. It was like a wave hit him suddenly, like everything came crashing down on him. The holes drilled in his skull pulled all of the thoughts back in and patched themselves up. 

It didn't feel the same as before. It wasn't like the panic attacks or the endless nights spent screaming. It wasn't like the many times Road had climbed into bed with him at night to calm him down. It wasn't like the few times the house owner insisted that he get put on some sort of medication. It wasn't like that, that's not what this was. This time it wasn't that he knew too little, it's not that he didn't understand. It's that he knew too much, he understood. For the first time in two months he understood. He knew exactly what was going on. It was too much, he didn't like it. He didn't want it, he didn't want to know anymore. He wanted it to stop. He wanted to die. That's what this felt like. It felt like death. Not like the panic attacks did, no, those felt like he was dying. This, this felt like he was already dead. 

The most important thing he remembered was the first time he'd been put into the room. It was the room with the couch. He'd heard bad things about that room from the others but he didn't know it would be that bad. He was wrong. He was dead wrong. 

“Hey whore, come on, cooperate.” 

Allen shook his head, on the verge of tears as the man slapped him again, pulling at his legs. He wanted him to spread them. Allen refused and the man hit him again and again. Eventually though, he got his way. 

“Stop it, please, get away from me,” Allen wasn't strong enough to push the man away no matter how desperately he tried. He clawed at the man's chest but the man just saw it as an excuse to sink his teeth into Allen's neck. He tried to scream but felt a hand press down harshly against him. He hurt. Every part of his body hurt and he wanted it to stop. He wanted this man to stop touching him and he wanted his body to stop reacting in a way that encouraged the man to continue. 

He spaced out after that, regaining his composure to see the man fixing his belt as he walked out the door. He couldn't move, he couldn't do anything but blink and watch as he was yanked up and forcefully dressed before being dragged from the room. He felt disgusting, he was disgusting. He was a freak of nature. That's why he was here. He was shoved back into the room where the others waited. He couldn't do anything. He couldn't respond as one of the boys eased him back to his bed and sat him down. He pulled off Allen's shirt carefully and then pulled off his own, using it to dab up the blood on his neck and chest. Allen could only nod when the older boy told him that parts of his neck and chest would be bruised in the morning and that he shouldn't worry about it too much. 

Allen learned the name of the older boy fifteen minutes later when he was called to the room. His name was Yuu. He was sixteen. Allen was thirteen. 

Allen's eyes felt heavy as he drifted in and out of reality. He heard footsteps outside but he didn't care. He heard the door open but he didn't care. He felt his head hit the ground and didn't care. He saw the blurry outline of someone rushing over to him but he didn't care. He didn't care anymore. He was at peace. 

Why couldn't he just stay at peace?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YEET. I'm so sorry for the long ass wait for this chapter it was a long time coming I'm sorry. I will not promise that I'll update this more frequently because that just isn't realistic but I'm gonna try and get better at it. Sorry!


End file.
